How Good Was…

Vsevolod Mikhailovich Bobrov (December 1, 1922 – July 1, 1979) is the official first hockey hero of the Soviet Union, to the extent Soviet hockey went in for anything as bourgeoisie as heroism. The "Big Red Machine," the formless, perfectly-engineered game-winning communist automaton, all wheels and cogs and interchangeable parts cast in the foundries of the Red Army, was one-third real, one-third the team's goal, and one-third a contrast to North American individualism that appeared starker than it was. The men, like Bobrov, were still men: they lived and breathed and often enough partied like hellions, flying through the snow in their Ladas with a quart of vodka in the system and smoking Polish cigarettes, differentiated from Guy Lafleur by haircut and quality of goods. They left enough memories that Bobrov was named to the IIHF Hall of Fame on its founding a quarter-century after his death, was named to the IIHF "All-Time Russia Team" in 2020, and the KHL named one of its divisions after him.

Although a well-known Soviet athlete immediately after the war, Bobrov made his first international impact at the Olympics. The Summer Olympics, to be specific; in addition to hockey and bandy (which is to hockey as Pravda is to truth), Bobrov was an excellent soccer forward and captained the Soviet soccer team at the 1952 Summer Olympics. Bobrov began by scoring the equalizer in a 2-1 extra time preliminary-round win against a decent Bulgarian team lead by influential goalkeeper Apostol Sokolov. But that was nothing: the Soviets faced a good Yugoslav team next in the first round proper. Yugoslavia took a 3-0 lead at halftime; while Bobrov was able to make it 3–1 Yugoslavia got the next two to stake a 5–1 lead and, like Tito taking over Albania, they probably thought it was all over. At 75' Vasili Trofimov scored for the Soviets; Bobrov added his second at 77' to make a game of it, then completed his hat trick on 87'. 5–4. Aleksandr Petrov tied the game in the eighty-ninth of ninety minutes, and the Soviet Union had what match referee Arthur Ellis called "the most honourable draw ever recorded." There were no penalty shootouts in those days, so two days later they played again: Bobrov opened the scoring in the sixth minute, but the Yugoslavs took control after that, winning 3-1 and going on to the silver medal, losing only to Ferenc Puskás's unstoppable Hungarian "Magical Magyars." Ellis said of Bobrov, "he, almost single-handed, took the score to 5–5 [. . .] For once, use of the word sensational was justified."

This, it will be remembered, was Bobrov's second-best sport.

Anthony Hand MBE (August 15, 1967 –) is the greatest British born-and-bred ice hockey player of all time. This is not a vividly hot take; one might as controversially say that Patrick O'Brian liked ships. In British-trained hockey Hand is first and the rest nowhere. Liam Kirk, the best British-trained player of the twenty-first century to date, may make it an argument before the end, but Hand has all the qualities of a legendary player for a bottom-rate team: a lack of international success, a great deal of personal recognition for his talent, and an enormously long career. Hand was active in top-division British hockey, with interruptions, from 1983 to 2009, played in the second division until 2015, and although statistics are unreliable is probably the all-time leading scorer of the old British League.

Born, raised, and whenever he could get away with it professionally based in Edinburgh, Hand is best remembered for having been drafted 252nd and last overall in 1986 by the Edmonton Oilers; the first British-trained player ever selected in an NHL Entry Draft, supposedly on the suggestion of former Oiler Garry Unger, who played a few years in England to close out his stat book. Attending a couple training camps with one of the best offensive teams in hockey history, Hand did well enough to seriously interest Glen Sather in giving him a minor-league deal, but Hand was homesick and, apart from a short but successful spell with the WHL's Victoria Cougars and a second strong training camp, played his entire professional career in England and Scotland. Whenever one hears the story of Tony Hand, one will hear Glen Sather's quote that Hand "was the smartest player [in Oilers camp] other than Wayne Gretzky." Small wonder he is known as "the Scottish Gretzky."

But really, how good was he? Hand played three league games outside of Great Britain, and those were as a junior. His British career was immense and successful but coincided with the all-time nadir of British international hockey, where the Brits were at times as low as the fourth division of the World Championships with the likes of New Zealand and Spain. Hand led a modest resurgence, culminating to a glorious top-pool appearance at the 1994 World Championships, but Hand failed to score, the Brits lost all five of their games, and never managed to escape the second division during the rest of Hand's career, though they were sometimes quite good there.

My favourite minor scene in Slap Shot comes right before that guy bellowing "you goons, you can't skate" throws his keys. The three bespectacled ruffians score a fine team goal, the guy beans Jeff, and more movie magic happens as the Hanson brothers climb into the stands to beat the tar out of every opposing fan who crosses their fists, including coincidentally the right one.

I like it because Slap Shot is fictional^{[citation needed]} but the cast was as legitimate as some of the stories. Michael Ontkean looks credible as the skilled Ned Braden because he was a quality NCAA scorer who could have played senior hockey if he'd wanted to (glad though we Twin Peaks fans are that he didn't). The camera sensibly doesn't show the other real actors trying anything more ambitious than skating in circles or dumping the puck in, but between Ontkean, the Hansons, and the famous parade of goons in the final game we see guys who could have been, and often were, paid to play hockey in real life, firing gloves off and having stick fights. A movie of minor-leaguers who could play pretty well playing pretty well is not interesting; a movie of minor-leaguers who could play pretty well hammering a drunk guy into the boards until he wets himself definitely is, but just once in a while the movie calls attention to the fact that these players are not actually jokes. The Hansons' goal is the best-looking hockey play in the movie, which is what you'd expect because they were the best hockey players.

The Hanson Brothers, registered trademark, are Steve Carlson, Jeff Carlson, and Dave Hanson, who replaced Jack Carlson in the movie because Jack missed filming to play major league hockey. Slap Shot gave them a stylized but reasonable portrayal. Slap Shot is the all-American hockey movie, with its dying mill town, its fashion shows, and its empty old rinks, and all four "Hanson brothers" are American. Jack Carlson and Dave Hanson were definitely goons, but Steve Carlson was a skill player, and Jeff was a well-rounded minor pro. The fictional Hanson Brothers were never more at home than punching people in half-empty arenas; the real foursome, like in that one scene, showed spots of ability. All got at least a cup of coffee in the big leagues and three of the four had a sort of career. Heck with it, it's April 1, let's capture the spirit of the thing. How good were the Hanson Brothers?